TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from position. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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